The most common remark I hear in reference to grief and healing is "I didn't have time to grieve".. I understand this sentiment in most ways; I would even venture to say I've said it or felt it, yet at the same time, it's a baffling thought...
What is an appropriate amount of time to grieve? Should grieving cease after the allotted time has passed? Is there a right or wrong way to grieve? There are no right or wrong answers. There is no guidebook or map to see us through the pain.
Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, the world doesn't stop or even slow down. It doesn't give us a "moment of silence" or a "mourning period"- After a death, we've barely said goodbye and processed the finality of our loss before we are bombarded with questions and decisions- funeral arrangements and inquiries about burial clothes and casket designs.. as though we are supposed to have those things in mind and planned out the same way little girls dreams of their wedding.
There are sympathetic nods in our direction, pats on the back, the ridiculously insensitive questions "How are you holding up?" "You getting through this?" "It will get better". I'm not holding up, I'm being forced through this and no, it won't get better. I will learn how to cope, but the loss won't lessen. The void wont go away, it will just make itself at home in my everyday life- what a bitter and unwelcome house guest. People bring meals for a week or two, employers give us a bit of time off, friends send cards, letters and flowers, but then, after a mere few weeks, those things taper off and we are forced, whether by expectation or demand, to return to "normal life".
Those who have never gone through loss cannot comprehend that there is no "returning to normal life". Life is not "normal"- it hurts. It's different. There is a void. There is a hole. There is pain and darkness and loneliness and tears. In many ways, it is easier to talk to people who have never gone through similar circumstances. Whether out of the desire to relate to us or succumbing to their own undertow of pain, they always feel the need draw comparisons when there are none, and relate things that are in no way colligated. My loss is NOT the same as your loss because I am not the same person as you, nor was the person I lost the same person that you lost. If we did lose the same person, the pain is still different because the relationship was different. You cannot replace people- you cannot substitute relationships, and you cannot fill the void left by the broken dreams and dying hopes of what could have been. Or what should have been.
Then there are all the people who "mean well" but spout off platitudes and cliches that come across as insensitive epithets. "Everything happens for a reason" "God knows best" "God has a plan" "You'll get through this a stronger person" "God doesn't give us anything He won't give us the strength to handle" and my favorite, "You'll meet someone else". Yes. First of all, sometimes the reason things happen is that we live in a fallen world where we are not, as we would like to believe, in control. And, sometimes, the reason something happens is because someone else has made a decision that has affected us. God knows best and God has a plan.. yes. He does. But at this point, explain to me how this is "best" and let me see the rest of "the plan". Frankly, I'd rather not become a stronger person and, and lastly, are you kidding me? I don't want to meet anyone else.
**At this point in my ranting, I almost feel obligated to insert a "Disclaimer" statement: I do believe everything happens for a reason and that God knows best and that He has a plan and that our pain can be a catalyst for growth... But there is a time and a place to use these facts as encouragement and the fresh, vulnerable ground of grief is NOT it. **
In some ways, the grieving process after or during a divorce can be similar to that of loss- it is losing, after all, and often times, it is the death of an ideal, the burial of your hopes for the future, the goodbye to your dreams and happy endings; the realization that things you wanted for yourself and your children, while perfectly attainable and natural and good, have been snatched away and now hang so far beyond your reach that there is only a shadow of a whisper of what could have been. The ghost of the past is relentless and refuses to allow any sort of relief or sabbatical from the pain- especially as the prosaic reality of loss is recurrent in every passing moment, hour, day, and on into the sunsets of the future.
So back to the original question: Is there such a thing as "not having time to grieve?". Perhaps. But I think more likely, is the fact that we, like everyone else, experience the heart wrenching pain in waves and seasons- we get caught up for a while in the business and chaos of the world, but in the quiet moments, we are summoned back into the innermost chambers of our own hearts, where we must face our pain.
There is nothing funny about grief.
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