Memoirs and Miracles IV

                Truth and More Lies

I sat on the edge of the bed, knees pulled up to my chest. This could not continue. I'd known the truth for a long time, but it wasn't enough. I needed to know WHY he lied- and he needed to know I wasn't going anywhere. Closing my eyes, and squaring my shoulders, I decided it was now or never.

“Ok. So come clean. Just tell me the truth and we will start from here and move forward.” My whole body felt tense. I just wanted a normal marriage-- one where we would argue about paint colors; where I would get mad at him for leaving towels on the floor. One where we would have to compromise on things like finances and budgeting. I knew the first few years of marriage were hard... but this? This was far beyond any nightmare. It was the ultimate "fun house" with illusions and smoke in mirrors. This was marriage to a con-man.  

 I’d already lost my dad. My credit was ruined, most of my belongings sold, and “home” a thousand miles away. I couldn’t deal with this anymore. The agony was too great—every day, a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, waiting for something horrible to happen. Waiting for the next lie. Waiting for the next thing to go "missing". 

I so desperately wanted what my parents had- complete trust, adoration, laughter, loyalty- they were a team. They sought to honor the Lord in everything they did- they treated each other with respect and love.  That was what I prayed for growing up- my childhood dream of marriage, family and life together- nothing about those prayers and desires were “wrong”. There was nothing “sinful” about wanting a strong, godly marriage. So why was this happening?!

“You’re right” was all he said, without looking at me.

Deep breath. Inhale. Exhale. I wanted to scream. To punch him. To throw things. But I just sat there. Still. Quiet. Don’t move. Don’t scare him.

I looked at him, “So… the 50 acres in Golden, culinary school in Portland, two bachelor’s degrees from U of H and A&M… all that was… not true.” I tried to choose my words carefully. This was further than I’d ever gotten with him.

“No. It’s not true.” He repeated, looking down at his folded hands. Ok. We were getting somewhere. We could move forward now. He trusts me and we can start over. Right as a wave of relief was washing over me, all hopes were again dashed on the rocks as he continued, “but I had to tell you those things. I was working for a secret government organization, more secret than the CIA and I had to enroll in school because I was under cover. It wasn’t safe to tell you until now.”

“not again. The schools had NO record of you attending, enrolling, graduating, NOTHING. Seriously?! A secret government organization? And it wasn’t ‘safe’ to tell me until now… aka, you’re caught.?!”

Fuming and feeling the thick weight of despair creeping over my heart once more, I refused to lose this one. I was finally breaking through- this was no time to back down. 

“Ok. I’m not even going to address that right now. I know you are lying so lets just move forward. I don’t understand why you have to replace lies with lies- try to justify your deceit with more deceit. Don't you want to be free?!” He got up and left, slamming the front door behind him.